Raccowrimo

In the LNHQ rec.room, a man sat alone. His face was covered in demonic-looking face paint
and a helmet with enormous and unwieldy horns.

"Woe is me!" he said, clenching his fists and making an anguished dramatic pose
on the lunch table. "As the founder of the Legion of Net.Hippies, I had dared to hope
that we could truly bring a new age of enlightenment and peace unto the world! That I
could at last transcend my father's evil! That I could be.. A FREE MAN! But
nowl-"

"Yo, Anti-Christ Lad, I get that a man's gotta monologue sometimes, but chill
down! Some of us are trying to dig some funky music over here." said a rather zaftig
young woman with messy natural hair. She wore bell-bottom jeans and a white bra that
happened to be on fire. She was Burning Bra Lass, the Spirit of Feminist Vengeance, who
like Anti-Christ Lad was part of the Legion of Net.Hippies, brought forward from The
Sixties (tm) to the present.

"Music! It hath charms, as the poet says, to soothe the savage breast! But not mine!
For I have seen my future-the inevitable fate that awaits me! Not death, for that would be
a mercy! Rather, I shall follow in my father's footsteps-I will surpass him in evil!
And our dream shall turn to ashes!"

"Yeah, that's a drag, man," sad Dr. Tune-On-Turn-In-Drop-Out, a shaggy
bearded man colorful robes that hadn't been washed in quite a while, heavy with the
scent of incense and other substances. "But the proverbial fat lady hasn't sung
just yet, brother! We've still got the future ahead of us here and now! And things
get retconned all the time!" He clapped his hand on Anti-Christ Lad's shoulder.

"Perhaps you are right, my friend," said Anti-Christ Lad, "but this world
seems scarcely different from the one we left behind. The future we hoped for is nowhere
in sight. Still the world is consumed by WAR! Still white and black and yellow are at each
other's throats-"

"Did you just call me yellow? That's not cool, man." said Dr.
Turn-On-Tune-In-Drop-Out.

"I am sorry, my friend. I-"

"Hey guys!" said Burning Bra Lass, cutting the awkward conversation short.
"There's a big meeting going down! Let's hit it!"

The three Net.Hippies rushed down the hallway to reach the LNH Auditorium. The halls were
packed with net.heroes who were stampeding there. The LNH had called a rare Double Red
Alert, which meant that every single LNHer was summoned to audience.

Ultimate Ninja and Fearless Leader were standing at the front of the stage, and beside
them a scrawny man in a blue jumpsuit. "Listen up, everyone," growled Ultimate
Ninja. "This is Foreshadowing Lad. He's woken up after twenty years in a coma
and he has something important to tell us."

"Hi everyone!" said Foreshadowing Lad, giving a little wave. He wiped the sweat
off his brow. "I, uh. Um. I kinda forgot, sorry. I'm sure it'll come back
to me later! Would you like to hear a joke? Two peanuts walked into a bar..."
Ultimate Ninja facepalmed. 

"OK, that's enough of that," said a voice from the distance. A pale,
dark-haired woman appeared on stage. She wasn't dressed like a net.hero, but in this
room full of gaudily dressed superbeings she held herself up like she owned the place.

"Who are you?" snarled Ultimate Ninja, drawing his sword.

"Simmer down, Pajama Man, I'm here to help. My name's Lydia Devin."

"So what are you?" said Fearless Leader. "Are you a god or cosmic being,
or..."

Lydia Devin shrugged. "God's close enough. [If you read Goddess Correspondence,
you know who she is. And if you haven't you should-ed.] Anyway, since the person
who's supposed to be doing the job is being pretty useless, I thought I'd step
in to help. I've been watching your universe for a long time and it is kind of
entertaining. It'd suck if it were gone."

"Well, I guess it's been a while since we had a good crisis," said Fearless
Leader. "What is it this time?"

"Well," said Lydia, "there's-"

"Legionnaires beware!" shrieked another voice. Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny-Woman
appeared in a cloud of mist. "A great evil has arisen that threatens the cosmos
entire! It-"

Lydia glared at her. "Excuse me, I was telling them already. So there's this
cosmic dictator wannabe called LAN.os, who's gathering an army of space mooks to
ravage the universe. You know the kind."

Fearless Leader nodded. "Sounds like a typical one-note parody villain to me. We can
take him easy."

"Yeah, but that's not the problem. The problem is he's going after the
Kubrik's Kube."

"The what now?" said Fearless Leader.

"Okay, the Kubrik's Kube is... anyone got a blackboard or something?"

"Sure!" said Doctor Stomper. "This is a Psychic Blackboard. I always keep
it miniaturized in my pockets just in case." He pulled a tiny blackboard out of his
pocket, which expanded when it landed on the stage, and then handed Lydia some chalk he
had lying around. It was a stick of chalk in the shape of Slobbering Grue! with
"I'm Chalk!" written on the packaging. She glared furiously at it before
opening the chalk and starting to draw on the blackboard. A picture in full color appeared
on the blackboard-a tiny black cube falling from the sky, landing on the plains, while
vaguely troglodytic aliens gathered around it.

"...Okay, sure, let's go with this. The Kubrik's Kube-that's spelled
with a K. Don't ask me, I didn't make it-is an artifact that's as old as
your universe, maybe older. It's a sort of puzzle box thing. If you can solve the
puzzle, it gives you enlightenment, whatever the hell that is. But if you fail, it gives
you-"

"Madness! MADNESS!" said Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny-Woman, clutching her fists
in the air.

"Yeah, that." On the blackboard, one of the troglodytes fiddled with the cube
and then a light bulb appeared over his head. He gathered all the other troglodytes, who
sat down at desks, and doodled a picture of a troglodyte whacking another one on the head
with a club on a blackboard. They pulled out their clubs and started whacking each other
enthusiastically.

"Basically, wherever it shows up, things go wrong. Even when they go right. I guess
"enlightenment"'s just not for everyone. So-"

"Hi everyone!" said a bearded man who rushed onto the stage. "Lo, I am the
Ununnilium Stranger, and I have come to warn you of-I'm not even in the right
universe, am I? Oops." He vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Wow. No wonder this universe is such a mess. Well, I'm out of here. Good luck,
I guess." And then she was gone.

And in the back, Foreshadowing Lad was scratching his head. He knew there was something
else important he'd wanted to say. Something about... was it the Crossover Queen? And
rifts? And there was something he wanted to warn Lydia about too...

****

"So who is this LAN.os?" said Irony Monger. "Should we be concerned about
him?"

"I suppose we'll know," said Occultism Lord. The mists shifted again...

****

A massive, tremendous, gargantuan starship through space. (It was big. Some might suggest
the owner was compensating for something.) On the bridge stood a hulking purple figure
that was hideous enough to make gargoyle sculptors cringe with jealousy. He wore a fedora
on his head.

"We are nearing our destination," he said to the silent female figure at his
side. "The moment is soon come when I shall hold the Kubrik's Kube in my hand.
In that moment, I shall be as a god! And in that moment... I SHALL BE EUPHORIC!"

He furiously pressed the buttons on the control panel, and a picture flashed on the
screen. A picture of the being he had dedicated his life to, an obsession that consumed
the core of his being. "And then you, Time Crapper, shall attain whatever inscrutable
goals you seek. And I shall at long last be free of the wretched prison in which I have
for so long been trapped... THE FRIEND ZONE!

He looked up at the picture with a look of swoony devotion. He often spent several hours
of every day staring at it. "AND LYDIA DEVIN WILL FINALLY NOTICE ME!"

****

The Saviors of the Net blinked. "Uh," said Irony Monger, "let's forget
about him. The LNH can take care of that. I'm more concerned about the Crossover
Queen."

"You know what she did to our world," said Penultimate Savior. "If we had
been able to vanquish her, we could have met the end with our full strength. Our timeline
might have survived."

"We'll see, won't we?" said Continuity's Champion.

****

The Crossover Queen had gathered the deadliest of her forces together in her throne room.
Cyborcs, Imperial Spambots, Dire Moa, Gogmagogs, Mer-Yeti, and other creatures too
numerous and horrible to mention clustered around the throne. And at their head stood the
figure who would lead the first wave of her assault on Looniearth-A. It was a teenage girl
dressed in aggressively gothic clothing. How she could move with all the belts and chains
she wore was a mystery to everyone.

"The moment has come," intoned the Crossover Queen. "While the most
powerful members of the LNH are in space, we will collect the crossover energy that is
flooding Looniearth-A  and vanquish the LNH at last. You, General Merissa, will gather as
much of it as you can, and then when we are ready you will lead these forces into
battle."

"You got it!" said Merissa.

"Remember, child, I gave you a home and a place in the world and a purpose when you
had none. I have faith in your potential. Do not disappoint me."

Merissa rolled her eyes. "I know, Mom, I know. Trust me. I'll crush this Legion
of Net.Losers like the preppy jocks they are!"

In a flash of swirling dark energy, Merissa was gone from the Crossover Queen's
throne room. She had appeared in a busy shopping mall, jam-packed with a line of teenage
girls whispering and giggling among themselves. "Excuse me!" shouted Merissa.
"What are you mega-dorks here for?"

"Oh my god!" said one of them. "You don't know there's a
Sidekickz concert? They're almost as cool as One Direction!"

"Whatever," said Merissa. "I'm as cool as *two* directions. You ever
heard of me?"

"Uh... no?"

"You haven't heard of me? How is that possible? I am Lady Merissa Cthonian Khaos
Madness Nihil'ism Von Quarknova, the youngest ever general of the Beige Order! And
you're just a bunch of preps! I'll show you a better way.. the way of the
Goth!" A surge of dark energy coursed out from her and engulfed the crowd. They were
now dressed in black leather and wore jagged face paint.

"All right." Merissa grinned. "Now to find one of those rifty things."

****

"Then the Queen has made her move already," said Penultimate Savior. "We
must act quickly to save this world."

"No," said Kid Remender.  "There's no way to close the rifts. We tried
on our own world, but the sheer depth of unrealized storytelling potential swallowed our
world whole. All of it. Even your sister." Penultimate Savior flinched-the first
expression of emotion he had shown since his world died. 

"I'm afraid he's right," said Irony Monger. "The only thing left
to do is to destroy Looniearth-A."


Next: Friendzoned in space! The young heroes of past, present and future against the Beige
Order! Psychovant the Duck makes his move! Or maybe yet another completely unrelated
thing.

****

Notes:

Well, I'm back.

I know, the first part of this issue is more Ultimate Mercenary #8 than part of the
crossover. UM himself is tied up with Just Imagine and LNH20, so I threw the rest of his
supporting cast in here while I figure out what to do with them in the long term.