Thaco Armorclass in Dark Souls 3

/Blog #Videogames

Its the end of the world! Just like the last time. And the time before that. But this is the ultimate Dark Souls game, the last in the series, so this makes it the very end of the ends of the world.

Like my previous soulsborne playthroughs, I took some screenshots and posted them to social media with entertaining captions. Collected here for everyone to enjoy, its our hero Thaco Armorclass's final attempt to link the fire.

So begins one more adventure for the repeatedly adventurous Thaco Armorclass!

Interesting. They're avoiding the vanguard-asylum route this go around, and not making the first proper boss a giant monster of some sort...

...ah. Never mind.

Thanks, lady. I know how this works. This isn't my first rodeo.

Same.

It warms the heart to see the old Drangleic friends out and about, living their best lives.

I did the thing!

Hey, neat, even Sekiro is here!

...though, it looks like all those resurrections and that dragonrot finally caught up to him.

Now this... this is a classic, tricky Dark Souls setup.

That sense of relief when you come across a desperately needed shortcut.

Oh! Wow! Okay...

I, uh... huh. I wasn't expect her to have been so literal about it!

Sorry, old dog, but I recently played through Sekiro. By comparison, you were really, really slow.

Oh god, not these guys again.

The regularly boorish Thaco Armorclass isn't used to the folks even being friendly to him. And certainly not concerned.

What a strange experience.

I'm at soup!

FRIEND!

That's great. And you know, you can help me out right now... STOP SHOOTING AT ME!

Whoa. Slow down, lady. We've just met.

Look, this... this isn't a measuring contest or anything...

I mean, that looks almost too big to be...

It's not the size, its how you wield it, that's what I'm saying...

I swear, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Hey! Don't you go telling me what I can and can't do. I'll go mad any ding dong day I feel like it!

I cut down trees. I eat spent souls. I go to the lavatry. On Wednesdays I go shopping. For arrows, spells, and keys.

Are we doing an Oceans Eleven? If so - and this is important - which of us is Brad Pitt and which of us is George Clooney?

Ouch.

What? No. Nooooo...

You just have... you know... street smarts.

MIYAZAKI!

I feel this is the sort of situations all those arcade boot-up screens tried to warn eighties schools kids about.

You go visit to Drangleic and you go tackle any of that moment to moment nonsense. Trust me, what you got going on here is straight up reasonable in comparison.

How many times now has a casual interest in arts ended up *betraying* Thaco Armorclass in exactly this manner?

Hello again, buddy!

This whole "in a spot of trouble" thing... this is going to be a reoccurring theme for you, isn't it?

Sigh.

Patches! You son of a...!

You...

...you are very goddamn lucky I need you alive to progress the questline of a other actually likeable characters!

Bastard!

The slightly confused Thaco Armorclass breaks up a local cult to rob them of their action figures.

Oh, shit, sorry. I can, um, I can come back sometime later... if this is a bad time...

Scratch one Lord of Cinder! Three to go.

In my defence, they were already murdering each other.

Indiana Jones theme music.

The normally cool-headed Thaco Armorclass has sudden, full-on panic attacks when re-encountering these cartwheel mother-puss-buckets barrelling right at him!

The strategically-minded Thaco Armorclass really appreciates when his colossally-sized foes accessorize with super-obvious, glowing-target points for him to aim at.

Wait... he helped you?

...

Are you sure we're talking about the same person?

Okay, sure. Two questions, though.

How come this is the first I'm hearing of this plan, seeing as I'm apparently a critical component of it?

And also, have you check with her if she is on board with >any of this?

The exasperated Thaco Armorclass finally defeats the Demon King, the first major enemy he had an actual problem overcoming.

It was inevitable we'd reach a point where boss fights would become difficult. We just weren't expecting this boss to be that one.

Yes... in fact, you could say I found the bed of pyromancy.

That dangerous and chaotic fire.

The bed of chaotic pyromancy.

...

It sucked. I'm saying it sucked.

Creighton! You old so-and-so! Still up to your old shenanigans, I see.

Hello again, friend. I've heard some strange rumours that you've been actually useful and >competent. You know anything about that?

...ah. Right. That's what I thought.

Sit tight, buddy. I'll have you out in a jif.

Our hero Thaco Armorclass is suddenly feeling a little bit out of his weight-class.

FRIEND!

I am so glad you're here!

Look, I hate to be that guy, but... I'm really going to have to call in all those get-you-out-of-a-jam favours I've been doing for you.

Holy shit! Friend, we did it!

Can you believe that happened, with this big ass sword I just found lying around, and you and me hitting him with literal storms right in his giant stupid face, and hey this it was just like that one time with that big manta ray thing, and...

...friend...?

This is for you, onion bro. Two more Lords Of Cinder to go.

If Thaco Armorclass had a nickel for every The Pope he's had to kill in his adventures, he'd have three nickels. Which isn't a lot of nickels, but is a lot of The Popes.

Don't worry, lady. I don't think he'll mind.

You know, I remember this hallway being a lot longer.

In my defence, it was an arranged marriage.

No, wait. I can still fix this. I can get this whole wackadoodle marriage annulled. Yeah! All I have to do is run my butt back to the Irithyll cathedral and talk to the Pope to get him to...

...to get him to...

SHIT.

You and your bullshit arrow rain attack can fuck all the way off, Aldrich, and when you get there, you can fuck all the way off again.

Three down. Just one more Lord Of Cinder to go.

...and, you know, that whole dragon mountain thing I heard about.

...oh, and whatever was the deal with that old man and his painting.

Okay, so there's quite a lot left to do. But I’ve still got plenty of time. It’s not like it’s the end of the world or anything.

...except for it actually being the end of the world...

I'M WORKING ON IT, is what I'm saying, OKAY?

Sigh.

You were really cool, lady.

In a creepy, lanky, trying-to-kill-me sort of way.

We all have our thing.

Okay, buddy, you stay safe out there...

You stay safe! Are you hearing me?

HE'S PERFECTLY SAFE. HE'S OKAY AND HE'S SAFE AND HE'S MY FRIEND AND YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Great. A closed castle gate across a single thin bridge. Guarded by a freaking dragon.

I'm not sure how this could be any worse...

Really?

Can you believe some people can't find any use for a bow in this game?

So you turned yourself into some sort of... fungal jellyfish lizard hybrid... because why, exactly?

This is why you keep a shared gift-list. Otherwise, you're just making people guess!

Wait, just to be clear... this is a different grand betrayal than the one Yuria has already bamboozled me into, right?

I need a notebook. I need to start writing this stuff down.

Hey LOoK At Me Im A BIg sTUPiD hEAD thaT fELl TO ThE AbYSs hURr dAh DurR!

Ornstein, is that you? We really got to stop meeting like this.

Its not that I don't appreciate it. I just think someone skipped a few Lothric municipal bonfire-placement department planning sessions, is all.

Is the ice budget challenge still a thing? Am I doing it right?

Oh, hi! I see you got that promotion you always wanted. Aand, um, they've given you access to the executive staff room.

...and you know - you just know - that there's people who'll look right at this and still> say anthropogenic climate change isn't a real thing.

I could... but you're such a dick.

Thank you, Coal, for the jolly co-operation and for carrying me through this fight!

...and that makes four out of four Lords Of Cinder. Fetch quest complete!

Sigh. I got to talk to those two. These have to be the worst kept secret conspiracies I've ever been roped into.

A little bit of trivia for you: if you somehow miss this super easy plunging attack, the resulting fall is enough to outright kill you.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Knock off back to Lordran and figure out if any of you are the real Havel, and >then we can have this talk again.

Uh oh.

Thank you for the jolly co-operation, The_Und***_Sun!

I think I'm done with dragons. And I am absolutely refusing to fight that one.

Huh.

I'm not accusing anyone of plagiarizing anyone else's knock-off Naria. I'd just think these painters would come up with original ideas after a while.

Worst. Secret conspiracy. Ever.

I blame my trusting nature, my curiosity of the arts, and my apparent inability to learn from bone-headed mistakes.

Wheeee!

Suddenly, our hero has traumatic Caelid flashbacks.

I've seen worse. Last time around, the birds were some twelve feet tall and had tyrannosaurus dogs.

I. Hate. This. Place.

A rope bridge of shoddy construction. Two swings and it collapses immediately.

I give this bridge a two point five out of ten.

Bridge review.

Okay, big guy. I need you to sit tight, to stay very calm, and - most importantly - to not freak out while I go deal with your dom waifu nun friend....

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

Scratch one DLC!

Does it have to be cold? Could you not paint someplace nice? Something sunny and warm, maybe?

And less cronenberg mosquitoes. If you take only only one suggestion, for the love of god please, so much less cronenberg mosquitoes.

You're not the first to tell me that. To be honest, I thought it was going to be more like a metaphor.

Riiiiiight ...I mean, we don't want any of this to go to our head, now do we?.

Hey, buddy! Thanks again for the help with the reverend bother back in painting narnia. And with all this guide posting, too!

I hope we meet again. I figure I owe you a drink... after all the bullshit and betrayals and just the outright shittiness of almost everyone else I've run into, its great finding someone who isn't looking to turn on me at the end.

...I mean... you're not, right?

Hey, I remember this place! Not fondly mind you.

You seem very familiar. You'll excuse me if I keep you in front of me.

And that I stay out of throttling distance.

For both our sakes.

Oh!

Um... thank you.

Sorry. I think I confused you with someone else.

Oh crap.

OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP!

HOLY CRAP!

Gael, did you see that? He had a freaking demon meteor storm! Man, I'm glad you always have my back buddy!

...you do always have my back, right?

We really need to work on better public mass-transit solutions.

Okay. Wow. I just rolled up into the wrong neighbourhood.

DAMN YOU, MIYAZAKI!

Wait a second... is that a dragon over there...?

THAT IS A BIG FUCK-OFF DRAGON OVER THERE!

Go away, you dick! I said I was done with dragons. I really do not want to fight you.

What the...? You again?!

...jeez, you're REALLY going to make me do this, aren't you?

THERE! Screw you <>and your death-star laser-beam breath! I never want to see you again.

Oh for... you have got to be KIDDING me!

Okay. I can see you're going to make this a whole thing.

When I figure out how to get to this point with a decent amount of estus in reserved, brother, this is going to be a totally different conversation.

There! Finally! No more dragons. All dragons, done. Finito. Extinct. Good riddance.

Get lost, Halflight. You suck, and no one likes you.

Hi, lady. Whatcha got there? Did your... uh... did your very large chicken get away from you or...?

Oops!

It wasn't me! It was... like that when I found it?

Oh.

Nevermind.

How did this get worse?

Oh! She's... um... she's not seeing anyone. She went out to the store. To get more... eggs?

Gael? Is that you?

Oh, thank goodness! I thought pulled an Ash-Williams alternate-ending thing and was going to be trapped here on my own...

...oh no. Not you, too.

Nuts.

Sorry, Gael, but this post-apocalypse ain't big enough for the two of us nobodies.

Again, I was expecting a metaphor. A METAPHOR.

Is there still such a thing as subtlety at the end of the world?

He... might be a while yet. He went out to the store. To get... more eggs.

And scratch one... well, everything, I suppose. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

I have become John Dark Souls 3.

\[T]/

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