Thaco Armorclass in Dark Souls 2

/Blog #Videogames

So begins another adventure for the always adventurous Thaco Armorclass.

Bearer seek seek lest, bearer seek seek lest, bearer seek seek lest, bearer seek seek lest... LADY, JUST LET ME LEVEL UP.

See, this is why I'm a dog person.

The valorous Thaco Armorclass faced down and defeated his first monstrous foe... though, honestly, it was more like swatting the ankles of an arthritic curmudgeon... but a victory nonetheless!

They're... they're not coming back up, are they? Huh. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Suddenly, the Goonies!

The amiable Thaco Armorclass continues to win friends and influence people.

"Not so funny now, is it, you filthy bastard!" taunts the always-honourable-in-combat Thaco Armorclass.

I love everything about this guy.

Everyone in Drangleic continues to find Thaco Armorclass both charming and engaging.

HADOKEN!

You dick... do you know what I had to do to get here?

Worst. AirBnB. Ever.

How many times do I have to teach you this lesson, old man?

The virtuous Thaco Armorclass defeated an Old One in honourable combat... in the dark, with his opponent's hands bound in stocks.

Okay, now that was a *lot* of skeletons!

Oh... yeah... this is going to SUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Their choice of drinking establishments has *not* improved... but they're still great and, hey, living their best life.

The always-neighborly Thaco Armorclass is starting to suspect that most everyone in this kingdom are a bunch of dicks.

I tried to talk them out of it, told them about how couples counselling have worked for many others... but the man-scorpion monster thing was surprisingly persuasive... and then one thing led to another and...

One of the things I really like about Dark Souls 2 is the locations. So many of them look incredibly amazing!

Venture capitalism just goes to some people's head, unfortunately.

No, please, pray tell us of all the whirlwind adventures you've gotten yourself into while in the ladder-selling business.

Welcome to someone's hollowed out volcano lair.

Go away, Dennis. Nobody likes you.

The always fashionable Thaco Armorclass debates which look he'll sport during all of next month's themed formals... at the moment, its a tie between "Overcompensating Pirate" and "Goatse Meme Demon".

This is just sad, now. If I see you again, I'm calling the cops.

Thus did the valorous Thaco Armorclass face off against the mighty creature of the volcano... and, not paying attention to his surroundings, promptly tumbled into a hole like a dumb ass and died in molten lava.

But on the second attempt, ah yes, on the second attempt he was mighty and victorious and worthy of songs and all that good stuff!

Striking a mighty blow against the forces of evil and, uh, arachnophobia.

After dealing with the absolute nonsense that is the Black Gulch - seriously, that entire poison-spitting area is aggravating garbage - Thaco Armorclass collects his fourth great soul.

Look, buddy... I assure you, I'd likely have a sunnier disposition had I not just been jump-scared by some cartoonishly-horrific tree monster that suddenly sprung out from A GODDAMN EXPLOSION.

Whee!

You tell me, pal.

The not-normally-prudish Thaco Armorclass has stumbled into... something that he's not entirely comfortable with... and he is currently unwilling to ask questions.

Uh oh.

The strategically vindictive Thaco Armorclass has absolutely no issue with spending time grinding these acid cloud mushroom dorks to extinction.

This... well, this barely counted as a fight. Almost embarrassing how easy it was. But it was a disgusting giant mutant cannibal frog thing... so, screw it.

Yes, asshole, I'm the same guy you gave a heart attack to the LAST time you EXPLODED right in my face! QUIT DOING THAT!

Boy, it would have been really convenient if there was a way to break down titanite upgrades to their smaller components, like in the previous game.

Uh... yeah, naturally... that's one things us humans are best known for.

Is this weird? This feels weird. Please don't make this weird.

Thaco Armorclass only wanted to talk to the local government representative. Some bell-end secretary tried to make a big stink but in the end, it was resolved amicability.

Wow, they really do mean it when they say politics ages you.

She seems nice.

I'm constantly reminded just how damn good the locations in this game can look.

AH HA! Screw you, dragon! Now I’ll certainly never have to deal with the likes of your bullshit EVER AGAIN...

...nuts.

Huh. That's a lot less than I'd have figured. Then again, I still have all the DLCs to go.

Thaco Armorclass has reached the part of his adventure where he needs to vulcan mind-meld with some dead trees. Which are actually the corpses of long dead giants. Which all have anuses for faces.

Look, it SORT of makes a little more sense in context.

Its good to be the king.

Thaco Armorclass begins his post-coronation explorations in an underground city that is requiring a LOT more engineering aptitude and parkour that he would have initially guessed.

...nuts.

Thank goodness for player messages! I'd have found this entire area much more frustrating if not for people pointing out all these switches and doors and halls and such.

...and its good to be, um, the sunken king?

Remembering he still had some de-petrifying items in his inventory, Thaco decided to rescue some NPCs. They responded with ... various... amounts of gratitude.

Having conquered an underground waterpark and killed its dragon mascot, the twice-crowned Thaco Armorclass proceeds to investigate a very offsite industrial complex.

This does not feel OSHA compliant!

The cavilling Thaco Armorclass files a formal complaint with the local foreman. Though he finds the process... esoteric... and is not confident it will result in any real immediate change in safety regulations.

This is a curious memento to keep in a medieval industrial military complex. Hope it doesn't turn into a whole thing later down the line.

...drat.

Thaco joins a couple union workers on what he is assured is a strike action against upper management. Turns out they were not *specifically using the term the way Thaco thought they meant.

As Thaco grinds his way through the tail end of the game, he's officially reached the point where it takes six figures to level himself up.

Thaco Armorclass, hero of the people, is forced to retire the Brume Tower's entire existing corporate infrastructure. Now that the remaining workers can continue on as a cooperative or something.

...and its also good to be the iron king.

Thaco Armorclass, now thrice-crowned and desperately needing a vacation after the last two disaster-filled excursions, makes a ham-fisted attempt to travel somewhere tropical, and relaxing...

sigh.

Ew.

BAD KITTY! NO SCRATCHES!

No, lady, wait, you don't have to... look, its okay, just leave it... no one said I would... wait... yeah, okay. Fine. Okay. Sigh.

Get up, boys. No time to explain. We're going to kill Chaos.

Gathered a crew, jumped feet first into a heavy metal album cover, and faced down a boss who, lets face it, really knows how to make an entrance.

...and, finally, its good to be the ivory king.

By the power of my crowns combined... I AM...

CAPTAIN SUPER KING!

With the DLC completed, there's only the last of the main campaign remaining. And like in the original game, I don't expect it to put up too much of a challenge. Its just a matter of brute force now.

Okay, you son-of-a-bitch, I warned you about doing that jump-scare appearing-in-an-explosion bullshit anymore...!

I have become John Dark Souls 2.

\[T]/

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