So begins another another adventure for the continually adventurous Thaco Armorclass!
Our hero is still getting acclimatised to the strange environments. First was all the raw grass he's having to shove down his throat, now there's these wackadoodle bonfires!
Well... at least this is familiar!
Thaco Armorclass defeats his first great demon foe... a big ugly blob with a bunch of small ugly blobs, all of which took a really long time to, uh, dissolve?
Yes! Yes, of course I do! Haven't you seen me fat-rolling all over? I've been desperately needing to level-up for over three hours! Where have you been?
Now, that there is a hell of a motivational poster tagline if I've ever heard one!
Well... that's going to be a problem.
After scurrying across a bridge avoiding dragon fire, Thaco Armorclass barely survives acting out david-and-goliath against a giant fuck-off knight. Like, objectively, this is way too much knight. An unhealthy amount of knight. More knight that you would ever require for any knight-related activities.
Stymied by bureaucracy!
Oh... I'm sorry, lady... are all my unimaginable pains and repeated tortuous deaths to free the world from a literal demon invasion boring you?
Look buddy, I'm not trying to shame you for whatever it is that gets your motor running, its just that Thaco Armorclass's motor don't run that way, is all.
So long as you're keeping an open mind about it.
This is what we in the demon-soul-ing business like to refer to as "foreshadowing".
The very-suddenly arachnophobic Thaco Armorclass is successful in an unexpected home pest-control obligation. Now he's looking forward to many long showers. Ew.
Dude, seriously, I need you to stop being... weird.
They committed to a specific vibe for this place and, oof, I gotta admit, they're knocking it out of the park.
EW! NO TOUCHY! NO TOUCHY!
Look... okay, I'm sorry, all right? You don't have to get all dramatic about it. Sheesh
Yes, lady, I'm levelling up AGAIN. Trust me, its going to have to happen A LOT if you want the world to be mended, the world to be mended.
After being repeatedly and repeatedly AND REPEATEDLY getting his ass kicked by this fast-moving, constantly-on-fire, giant-gorilla MOTHERFUCKER, our slightly-less-than-honourable hero Thaco Armorclass manages to cheese the Flamelurker onto some level geometry and FINALLY kills the bastard.
After that last giant, intimidating, fire monster, it has to get easier from here on in, right...?
Well, nuts.
Think sneaky thoughts! Think sneaky thoughts!
You know, this reminds me of a famous koan... “if you meet a dragon god while travelling down the road, kill it with conveniently-placed dragon-god-killing ballistas.”
Oh... yeah, sure... NOW you want to us to put aside our differences and discuss this like reasonable folk.
That post killing-god clarity hitting hard.
Now here's a bloke that has ZERO self-confidence issues.
Er, yes... uh... those are two things that happened to have occurred in recent succession... good for you, I suppose!
This game isn't everyone's jam. I get it.
Our genteel hero Thaco Armorclass admires an interesting piece of devotional-yet-brutalist sculpture from afar, hoping that it doesn't turn into, like, you know, a whole thing.
Well, nuts.
Hey there, buddy... whatcha doing up here? Suspiciously all by your lonesome, looking over a suspiciously big, open room... just casting your suspicious magic ritual while being all... suspicious like?
Yeeeeeaaaaah, you are EXACTLY the sort of person Mommy Armorclass always warned us not to cavort about with.
No! No no no no no no no! Put me down! Put me down! I'll just take the stairs! I'll... I'll go FIND some stairs! I WILL BUILD SOME GOD DAMN STAIRS DON'T DROP ME DON'T DROP ME!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen, asshole, I don't care who anyone thinks you are. You're REEEEEEALLY making me regret breaking you out of that prison cell.
Ew.
Thaco Armorclass decides to give his delicate sensibilities a break from everything STRANGELY salacious and WEIRDLY suggestive in the depths of Latria, and instead instead returns to the inner wards of Boleteria where they would never indulge in anything so CRUDE or BAWDY or...
...I'm sorry, my good sir, WHAT did you say your name was again?
What the... Biorr? What are YOU doing here?
Look, first of all, this is a REALLY BAD time! And second, this other guy, I need to be SUPER CLEAR, he is NOT friendly DESPITE his name.
Biorr, did you just... HOLY SHIT, man, you just took that whole guy on by your lonesome and kicked his ass! I mean, I'm not ungrateful or anything but... I'm kind of the player character in this game, that was supposed to be my boss fight.
If this doesn't have a you-walked-into-the-WRONG-neighbourhood vibe, I don't know what does.
I may have overestimated these guys. Or more correctly, I underestimated how really good the Thief's Ring is for separating out enemies from groups and manipulating their "intelligence".
Thaco Armorclass finds himself with neither enough bug spray nor fire extinguishers for this situation.
I almost wouldn't mind the run back to the Maneater boss fight if I didn't have to deal with this one asshole EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Are you fucking KIDDING me?
After several frustrating attempts (and so many, MANY flights of stairs), the dogged Thaco Armorclass finally defeated the twin threat of the Maneaters after overcoming the two main challenges of the fight: a narrow bridge with no railings, and running out of patience when they wouldn't get their flying-monkey ASSES back on the GROUND where they could get said asses KICKED.
Having already faced down the worst Latria has to throw before him, the stoic Thaco Armorclass must finally face down his most terrifying foe yet...
...sentient seventies drapery.
Oh... it's you again.
Just to warn you up front, I'm *not* going to fall for any of your nonsense pranks, all right? See, Thaco Armorclass is as wily as a coyote and as sharp as a tack! Yessiree.
GODDAMNIT, PATCHES!
NO! I DIDN'T FALL FOR ANYTHING... HE... HE TRICKED ME, ITS TOTALLY A DIFFERENT THING!
Shh shh shh... no, not yet... that's a different game.
Okay, look... I've heard that bosses in Demon's Souls were easy compared to the other FromSoftware souls games, but...
I mean...
COME ON, this is a bit ridiculous!
Look at him... HE'S BLIND!
There. I killed a blind guy. And I feel horrible. ARE YOU SATISIFED, DEMON'S SOULS? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?
And now... uggo mothra.
THIS!
IS!
EPIC!
YOU AGAIN! I swear, if I so much as suspect that you're thinking of maybe even LOOKING at me funny, I will CANADIAN DESTROYER you off the VERY GODDAMN TOP of this place's bullshit amount of stairs, SO HELP ME!
sigh.
Ew. I don't care if it IS the boss of this area, you are straight up crazy if you think I'm going anywhere near that gross thing.
HADOKEN!
s i i i i i i i i g h.
NOT NOW, PATCHES, I'M NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD!
Me and Patches have what you might call a... strained dynamic.
Thaco Armorclass defeats a slow, ugly, boring boss... mostly by just poking it from a safe distance and eating a lot of healing items?
I guess they can't ALL be worthy of epic ballads.
Next time, pick a spot where you can ACTUALLY swing that dumb giant hammer, instead of just bouncing it off the wall and the ceiling every single time.
Doofus.
Yes, technically I did. But, believe you me, it really wasn't that hard.
Hey, wait, don't I know you? Aren't you... * snaps fingers * ...whassisname from the very start?
Yeah! I remember! The stupid one that got themselves killed immediately after I saved them.
You seem angry.
Good day, your highness!
My name is Thaco Armorclass. I've butchered your soulless army. I've slain your demonic allies. And I've killed your son.
I'm here to bring up some grievances and to discuss a regime change with you.
Oh no! He wasn't interested in having a civil debate!
I have become John Demons Souls.