Thaco Armorclass in Bloodborne

/Blog #Videogames

As I have done for previous soulsborne instalments, I captured screenshots of my first playthrough of Bloodborne. I posted it all to social media, documenting my adventure through various amounts of crass and humorous captions. They have all been collected here for everyone's entertainment.

As if waking into a foreboding dream, the obstinate Thaco Armorclass starts on his most peculiar adventure to date...

Okay. Now this is just mean. Usually we'd have been given a weapon before facing our first inevitably humiliating death.

...at least this plays out as it customarily does ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Its a strange experience getting to see these doors in high definition... and without giant Mario-64-esque numbers on them.

Ah ha ha ha! Not so funny now when we can properly fight back, is it ya mangy mutt?!

Yharnam makes for a hell of a visual treat!

The charismatic Thaco Armorclass, winning the hearts and minds of the locals. As always.

That's gross, Gerhman. I think it's important that you understand how gross that is, and I'm going to have figure out a whole new measurement system to properly define to you just how gross that is. But for right now, I need you to know, that is, objectively, super goddamn gross.

These are some really long loading times.

That OST hitting you for the first time!

The surprisingly-nimble Thaco Armorclass strikes down his first great foe... and on his first attempt.

...well ...okay, "first attempt" if you don't include the number of times in the BloodbornePSX demake.

Its going to get harder before it gets easier. Let us savour this one.

There's this really gross old man in a wheelchair I need to warn you about.

Every old FromSoftware soulslike I play reminds me how much I appreciate that Elden Ring was patched to include the actually amount of XP you get in the item descriptions for all the different pickup XP consumables.

She said the line!

An interesting difference in #Bloodborne is that there's no boss souls to later transpose into boss weapons. Which is okay by me, as, in all past soulslike I've played, I inevitably put all my collected boss souls into storage where I forgot to ever transpose them into boss weapons.

Wonderful. Another blindfolded foe.

Pfft. The unimpressed Thaco Armorclass hopes this fellow - with an admittedly dapper fashion sense - will put up a bit more of a challenge than the last boss they fought with a similar handicap.

Oh no.

OH NO!

Okay. Yes. After reviewing the footage, the now-humbled Thaco Armorclass accepts that this fight may prove more troublesome than the Old Hero boss.

Okay, padre, let's you and me have that conversation again.

Drat.

Oh, come on! Even you got to admit, I was really close that time!

Finally!

Thaco Armorclass has heard of some pushy religions, but the good padre really took the cake with his exceedingly aggressive sermonising.

Hey, what a coincidence! This looks just like the one that little girl described her lost mother was wearing when...

...

oh

Don't take this the wrong way, lady, but you seem suspiciously more cooperative than the last time I talked to you.

Even the rarely-voguish Thaco Armorclass has to appreciate all the winning fashion options just lying around!

You... really need to work on your soft skills more.

Well, I say! That's an unusual atmospheric phenomena. I wonder what that's all about...

..hey? …whaddafuckisgoingonletgoofme Ow! Ow! Ow!

Because I usually play videogames on PC, my good man, so paying for a Playstation Plus subscription to engage in jolly cooperation just feels... I dunno... foreign to one such as I.

Oh! Shiny!

KEEP OUT

OR ENTER

I'm a sign, not a cop.

Is that a machine gun?

My starting options were a blunderbuss or a flintlock pistol, but you get a machine gun?

...

...seems like someone is familiar with Save Wizard.

My goodness, what a sight!

...this town must go through a fortune in roofing singles.

Three hundred and sixty? You miserable little... these blood vials were one hundred and eighty when I first showed up! This greed-flation thing is absolutely out of control, I tell you what!

Aw, shucks, I remember when I was worried about you little puppies.

Well, that's outright horrifying, both visually and in its implications! The only-slightly-creeped-out Thaco Armorclass hopes it isn't an ominous portent for things to come...

I DUNNO, MAN, THIS STARTING TO FEEL REALLY OMINOUS NOW!

Drat.

Let's see how this goes with some decent poison resistance this time!

Yeah, that's what I thought. Jerk.

All right, so long as its not too tricky to get to...

Oh, for... YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

I am really starting to despise that creepy old fart!

HOLY MOLEY!

Many poos shot out of my ani!

No, lady, its a comb. Try to keep up.

Will someone kindly STOP ARMING SENIOR CITIZENS WITH MACHINE GUNS, please and thank you!

Did you knock me out, stuff me in a burlap bag, and then lock my jail? What sort of judicial system do you guys have going on here, anyway?

...okay, well, we're using the term "locked in" very loosely, it seems.

Yes... at liberty in this large, open room, without a door or gate or even a curtain to keep you penned in. I am familiar with the whimsical security of this penitentiary.

Something tells me you're going to be trickier than the last couple giant monsters I had to deal with...

Thaco Armorclass decides to leave this one be for a while. At least until we have an answer for all the flailing limbs and the unfettered electricity and whatnot.

Yikes.

Doing some dank spelunking for the first time...

...and doing some dank spelunking for the first time.

Thaco Armorclass now has a solution for a lot of nail-shaped problems.

Say, I suppose you don't happen to know if there are any nice people around I could save next time...?

Ass.

Look at them, dancing and cavorting, as happy as the day is long. I wonder what trade or sport is keeping them jovial in such dark times...

<poh.

...in retrospect, the moniker "charnel lane" should have raised some red flags.

The slightly-over-levelled Thaco Armorclass cleans up around town all the while avoiding the mandatory and inevitable evening church service.

...

You know what? There's this clinic that's taking patients that you may prefer waiting out the night at. At this point, I highly recommend it.

Is this a cannon? Is this a goddamn cannon? Were you shooting at me with a god damn cannon?

...and my choice of starting weapon was a pistol? Is everyone in this nightmare a save-hacking cheater except me?

The normally chivalrous Thaco Armorclass adds grave-robbing to his growing list of unethical deeds.

Look, if there's anything we've learned, its that its going to be a looooooong night.... and that these mazes can bite my ass.

I don't want to interrupt your supplications or whatnot, but... I figure I should warn you, it seems people have been spontaneously turning into giant monsters all night tonight...

...yeah, exactly like that, actually.

Today, our hero learns the definition of the word episcopicide".

And this is why you never leave passwords written on post-it notes at your desk.

Depends. Are we talking before or after they might have done an episcopicide? ...I mean, hypothetically.

Hey, does Murtis know you have his bucket?

Snakes... why'd it have to be snakes?

BOOM!

Ah hah haha! Not so funny now, is it?

Don't mind me, sir, just doing some clothes shopping.

Looks like somebody didn't buy into the whole "you can't take it with you" adage, huh?

Holy shit! Its a cthulhu!

This is getting out of hand! Now, there are two of them!

Now, the true horror unveils itself as our hero unexpected finds hims reminiscing of his awkward school years.

The students are revolting!

Ten demerits to Slytherin!

Okay, which one of you has been putting your X-Files in my lovecraftian horror game?

They bury some really big people out in these here parts!

Me and my friend Henry here - who has totally forgiven me for that whole thing back with Eileen - we just dealt with some very overly-enthusiastic Lord Voldemort cosplayers.

Next stop, cuckoo Oxford.

Wow! And you think the mosquitoes are really bad out where you live.

GODDAMNIT, MIYAZAKI!

Our hero faces off one of the handful of cthulhus that's been clamouring all over the place... sort of? This one's seemed to have gone for the clean-shaven look.

Well, at least it's unarmed...

...HOLY SHIT, ITS UNARMED!

Well, scratch one cthulhu.

I think we've seen the last of these pesky things!

What a thriiill, with darkness and silence through the niiiiiight...

Wait a tick... I've been here before!

Hey, buddy! Are you starting a new play through as well? You're in the know, right?

The fatally-optimistic Thaco Armorclass looks across the lake at a grand opulent castle, trying to believe, at least there behind the safety of those walls, the inhabitants are safe and sane and welcoming.

...on closer inspection, "welcoming" is not the best descriptor. And we now have low hope for both "safe" and "sane".

Worst. Uber. Ever.

G-g-g-ghosts?!?

Okay, new rule: never trust any rich assholes that can afford, commission, and decorate with this many damn statues.

Martyr Logarius actually gave our hero a run for his money, what with their insistent needs to spam red skull magic foolishness. And they might have won, had they not switch tactics in their second phase. That new tactic, it turns out, was to be surprisingly, comically susceptible to parries and visceral attacks.

Okay, listen. I told them you were cool and everything. So don't go embarrassing me, capiche...? I mean it.

ALFRED, WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY?

Yes, it's okay. That's just the moon. The moon can't hurt you...

...oh drat.

sigh.

You know what? I refuse to let these be my problem anymore.

The persistent Thaco Armorclass bullies their way through a couple more optional bosses, this time defeating what looks like a giant X-Files alien and a macaroni salad abomination.

Hey, what are we doing here?

Just chilling?

Cool.

Cool.

...

See, this is why I never got into astronomy. I didn't have the stomach for it.

...or maybe I'm thinking of astrology? I'm trying to remember which one of them expels horrific malformed abominations from celestial objects.

Okay, jeez... you geeks all seriously need to get outside and touch grass.

Oh, Patches, you treacherous little scamp you!

Hold on... don't you walk away from me... don't you dare make me chase your skinny ass down!

That's for making me run after you in circles, you goddamn nerd.

I tell you, if I had a nickel for every time I encountered colossal organ chained in a cyclopean tower only to eventually cause it to plummet into the darkness...

And my teacher laughed at Thaco Armorclass when he took Interpretive Dance as his elective language course. Well, who's laughing now, Mrs Kellerman? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!?

If you actually think I'm going to do what I'm told, lady, you have not been paying attention.

Hey, asshole! I have, like, one goddamn friend in this whole psycho nightmare city, and I'd like to talk to you about why they're right now bleeding to death out on the front steps.

Yeah... fuck you.

As much as they've been happy to conform to psycho-London's fashion trends, Thaco Armorclass is still relieved to put on some more familiar accoutrements.

After defeating an overly-aggressive nanny and playing a tinny music box for an invisible space baby, Thaco Armorclass has technically met the any-percent-completion requirement.

But our psycho-London adventure continues with the DLC... in, unbelievably, SUPER psycho-London.

Okay. Blood. Yes. Bloodborne. Blood. I get it already. Yeeesh.

Cowabunga!

Pardon me... and please know that I don't mean to be rude but... holy shit, what the ever-living fuck are you supposed to be?

Well, scratch one... whatever the hell that was supposed to be. Yikes.

p>

...and they were surprising nonplussed about the whole affair.

You know, until the mad inhuman screaming that I really had to put a stop to.

Our hero commits another episcopicide, though they swear they're not trying to do it on purpose.

You know, our usually open-minded hero Thaco Armorclass thought perhaps he wasn't full understanding things in this foreign city. The whole cthulhu-obsessed thing and the blood-obsessed church thing, maybe everything going on wasn't what they intended and this whole nightmare is just bad luck running out of people's control.

...and then we discover the research hall.

And now we full comprehend who the real monsters all. And they all have to pay.

Oh no. No, you do not get so easy a way out of this.

You get your skinny dead self up off that chair and you get your ass whooped like you know you deserve.

Okay, so when I jumped out of a clock tower to discover what horrible secret was being kept... I admit this wasn't what I was expecting.

This is not going to be a high demand AirBnB destination, is all I'm saying.

The locals have some strong opinions about tourists.

I may never eat fish again.

Yeeeeeaaaaah... I don't care how good the rewards might be, I am not going in there.

I love the inevitability built into approaching Kos. You have multiple opportunities to see it as you work your way through the fishing hamlet, making the final battle so much more momentous.

It took a chaotically sloppy fight and all my health items and nearly all my ranged bullets and some plain dumb luck at the end, but the Orphan Of Kos goes down in the first fucking try.

Oh, the HELL I will.

Goodbye Gehrman. You were a creepy old asshole and, unfortunately for you, pretty easy to parry.

Our hero Thaco Armorclass, having braved beasts and the bizarre, madmen and monsters, mythology and nightmares, aliens and gods, now faces off against their final challenge...

...the moon!

Ew! Bad the moon! No touchy!

I have become John Bloodborne.

\O_

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